


whisper: anatomy of a heartbreak

by meroure



Category: California Diaries - Ann M. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: babysitters100, F/M, M/M, Urban Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-05
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 11:04:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meroure/pseuds/meroure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is the first day of the rest of our lives," the commencement speaker said, the half-moon illuminating her face. But Alex wasn't there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	whisper: anatomy of a heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt _whisper_ at babysitters100. Companion fic to _haunted (i know your eyes, but not that smile)_

_thirteen._

Ducky didn't let himself think about it much anymore, but sometimes he stood in front of his mirror after a long day at the bookstore or a night at the club. It was difficult to lie when staring himself in the face.

"I wanted to love you too," he would whisper, trying to ignore the way his heartstrings tied themselves into knots.

 

_twelve._

"This is the first day of the rest of our lives," the commencement speaker said, the half-moon illuminating her face. But Alex wasn't there.

 

_elevem._

Everyday Ducky drove past Alex’s house, hoping to find answers in the bare, black windows. It did not look like a place that someone abandoned suddenly, sneaking out in the middle of the night, without a note or forwarding address. Without even saying goodbye. It looked like it had always been deserted; untamed grass and poisonous looking wildflowers overtaking the walk and edging into the porch.

At school, Alex’s seat in homeroom remained empty, and his locker untouched. Ducky heard the whispers and noticed the askance looks, but no one ever approached him with questions. Ducky was thankful for that. There was nothing he could say that everybody didn’t already know.

Alex left early, and Ducky didn’t want to think of the reason why.

At night, nightmares gave way to insomnia. "You'll find someone else," Sunny consoled, cuddling him under musty sheets.

Ducky did not want someone else. He wanted Alex.

He wanted Alex to have someone else.

He had heard the stories, they all had, of vampires who could not find mates dying alone. He hoped Alex found someone willing. Someone who wasn’t him.

 

_ten._

They never defined themselves. They were classmates, acquaintances, best friends, and then possibly more. They lingered at the edge being something greater, but never made it real.

Or maybe they did. Maybe when they were not looking they crossed the line into territory that neither of them understood. Maybe they understood all too well.

Ducky watched the moon, and just once he wondered.

 

_nine._

It had been over a week since they last talked. A week of awkward pauses and skirted conversations. Ducky’s heart told him he needed to make a choice. His mind told him the choice was already made.

Alex was a shadow; a dark speck at the edge of the cliff, highlighted against the backdrop of a sunset sky.

"You can't avoid me forever." Ducky sat down and angled his knees away from Alex, the skin on the bottom of his hand protesting as he rested it on the sun-warmed rock.

Alex slanted his tired red-rimmed eyes towards him. _I can try._

“No,” Ducky said, scuffing his bright purple hightop in the ground and watching as a small dust cloud billowed up. “Seriously. You can’t.”

They sat shoulder to shoulder, unsaid words hanging heavy between them. They didn’t have anything left to say.

Alex picked up a stick and threw it over the cliff. It skidded down the rocks and sand landing, bouncing off a drainage pipe with a soft plunk and disappearing out of sight.

“I’m going to leave after graduation,” Alex broke the silence.

 _You can’t go. I need you._ Ducky could not say the words aloud. They had been best friends for years, ever since Alex rescued Ducky from the advances of a fire-mage the first day of high school. They had done everything together. And even now, when everything had gone so wrong, their best friend extrasensory perception still functioned at full strength.

“No, you don’t,” Alex said softly. _No, I need you_ his eyes said.

Ducky’s throat closed up. He reached out blindly, grasping Alex’s hand in a silent apology. It was the best he could do.

"I'm thinking Chicago.”

Ducky felt his stomach drop. "What?"

Alex shrugged. “I think it might be best.”

“But that is so far away.”

Alex smiled, but there was not any amusement in it. “Yes,” he said. “That is kinda the point.”

 

_eight._

"I can't," Ducky shuddered, rolling away from Alex's touch. His shoulder knocked against the bedroom wall, but the pain that ricocheted across his back was nothing compared to the look that flashed across Alex’s face.

"You don't want to," Alex corrected, letting some frustration seep through.

Ducky stared at him, the way the moonlight sliced Alex's face in halves. "That too," he acknowledged.

“I’m not going to force you into anything. I’m not like that,” Alex said softly, staring at a crease in the sheet.

“I know.” Ducky did know. Alex was not like the few vampires who marked in fits of passion and rage, who didn’t care about draining Daysighters of their souls and driving them to their own death. Not many vampires like that existed, but the ones that did were dangerous.

It wasn’t about that.

It was about Ducky wanting to protect his humanity.

 

_seven._

“Is everything alright?” his mother asked during one of their weekly chats.

Ducky twisted the telephone cord through his fingers, wearing the spirals like rings. He could feel Ted’s careful gaze on his back.

“Everything is fine,” he said.

Ducky was well-accustomed to lying to his parents about specific details: eating healthy, schoolwork, parties. Those were tiny details that could be easily uttered and dismissed. But the larger and more important lies, those were more difficult to tell.

He wondered, as he listened to his mother prattle on about her encounters with an impoverished ghost colony, whether they would even care if he was marked. Whether they would even notice. Whether he would break the news to them over the telephone, a crackling phone line and an ocean in between them.

 

_six._

“You’re going to let her change you,’” Ducky accused.

Brendan shrugged. “Maybe,” he said. “When we are older.”

Brendan was already marked; had been ever since he visited Amalia’s family in Mexico during spring break of their junior year.

Ducky doesn’t have to be Pilar to See what the future holds. Amalia will turn Brendan, cementing his place in the were-jaguar pack. They will live in the large art-deco house in the valley that the pack maintains. Their lives will be pleasant, wrapped in pink stucco and stained glass, and guarded by green palm trees and an ornate iron front gate.

They will be happy because all they need is each other.

“But--” _How can you give everything up? What if love isn’t enough?_

“Does it really matter if I join them?” Brendan watched him intently, forgotten chemistry books between them. Something in Ducky ached, and he hated Brendan and Amalia for being so certain.

 _Yes_ , Ducky wanted to say. _Yes, it matters._

 

_five._

"Look, Ducky," Ted placed the game controller on the coffee table, his face and voice unnaturally serious. It felt like a scripted television reality show intervention. "We need to talk. You're not planning to become a Nightsighter, are you?"

"What?"

Ted shifted uncomfortably. "Well, you are friends with a pack of weres and I’ve fucking seen the way you and that vampire look at each other.”

It was nothing. It couldn’t be anything. Ducky’s eyes pricked and he wanted to cry.

Instead he said, "That vampire is named Alex; you know that. And I'm not planing on being turned or marked. _God._ I'm a Daysighter. I’m a human. That isn’t going to change.”

"Are you sure?" Sometimes Ducky forgot just how perceptive his brother could be. Hidden underneath the layers of jock- turned frat boy- turned accountant, Ted was an actual human being capable of real emotions.

“Yes, I--” He took a shaky breath, aware that Ted was closely watching him. “They are my friends. That is all. And sometimes that fucking hurts because I want--because we want-- but there is nothing else there. I swear.”

Ted looked sympathetic. His eyes were gentle when he warned, “Don’t get too attached, kid. There is a reason why Daysighters and Nightsighters run in different circles. It’s not going to work out, and you are only going to end up hurting yourself.”

Ducky thought, _Too late._

 

_four._

Alex caged him against the kitchen counter, his hand settling to rest on Ducky’s hip. They stared at each other, the open cabinet door behind them. Ducky broke first, hand reaching out to cup Alex’s jaw. And Alex, he leaned into it.

Ducky tilted his head and pressed their lips together because he wanted this. Just this; nothing less and nothing more.

He jumped up onto the counter, bracketing Alex between his legs. His hand barely fit into the back pocket of the tight tight tight jeans Alex wore. The other hand pushed Alex’s shirt up mid-back, fingers dancing along the protruding spinal vertebrae.

_This. This This._

There was a startled gasp, but it wasn’t from him or Alex. Ducky looked up just in time to see the flash of Ted’s red jersey backing out of the door. He knew he should pull away, but he felt reckless. And from the way Alex nipped at his earlobe, Ducky knew the feeling was mutual. They didn’t have many moments like this; easy moments without a care in the world.

He leaned in, and Alex met him part way.Their lips moved against each other unhurriedly, as if they had all the time in the world.

Ducky just wanted to pretend this was normal.

 

_three._

“I’m worried about you,” Amalia smoothed the hair back from Ducky’s forehead. Ducky wasn’t sure how to tell her she had nothing to worry about. He wasn’t sure how to say it without lying.

 

_two._

"I'm human," Ducky tried to explain to Sunny once. She looked at him blankly, "What does that matter?"

Amalia had understood it better. "Being human is your choice. It’s your right. But it changes everything.”

Alex understood it the best.

“I’m human,” he told Alex, voice breaking. It was not the first time he had said that, but it was the first time had been like this. It was the first time the words held such significance.

Alex looked at him sadly, as he sat at the edge of the bed, slipping his tee-shirt over the pale skin Ducky’s hands had mapped just minutes before.

“I know.” His voice caught on the last syllable.

 

_one._

"I want to love you," Alex whispered as they tumbled into bed. Ducky with his jeans half off; their hands tangled together scrambling to push them down.

Ducky closed his eyes against the onslaught of feeling. The words made his heart clench, while Alex’s hands on his hips made his stomach swoop. He reached out and traced the contours of Alex’s face. Trying to ground himself; trying to make amends for what he couldn’t say.

"You make me feel alive," Alex muttered, breathing harshly into his ear. Ducky arched into the touch; Alex’s hands skittered down his ribs.

Yes. Yes.

“I want,” he managed, hands tangling with Alex’s red tee-shirt as he tried to pull it over his head.

The shirt got stuck, and Alex had to pull it free; his hair sticking up in all directions. His lips quirked, as though he would laugh if the moment wasn’t so serious. Ducky smoothed his hands against Alex’s pale chest, the skin unmarred.

“What do you want?” Alex asked.

 _I don’t know_ , Ducky thought wildly, the enormity of situation catching up with him for a moment because this was Alex. His best friend. A Nightsighter. Then Alex was back up in his face, lips just millimeters apart and Ducky could not think about anything else. “This. I want this. Whatever it is.”


End file.
